I am scared

For the first time in my life I am finding myself admitting to being afraid. I grew up so proud and so sure that greatness awaited me and my grand design. I feel as though I was coddled and that is some of the reason I am in the predicament I am in. Though also that not enough care or interest was taken when my life first began falling apart. I have been depressed, angry at myself for the past ten years. And there have been victims of my medium. The medium being the way I have handled my sisters death, the way my illness first arose and broke off the most intimate relationship I have had with a girl in my twenty seven years, the years of solitude and sucking at smoke and ash and draining meads and lagers and I.P.A.'s into my lungs and gullet, and the hallucinations that followed me, and the way to handle them is not to act but let them pass has only taught me not to fight now nor give in, yet it was this past january that I found myself caught in a hallucination and cutting my left hand toward no end. That is the medium! My mind and its integration of the senses leading toward a first person point of view of my own life has turned toward darker turmoil than I had ever guessed. The synapses collect the data and this voice called a thought drives on! Yet, now that I am on proper medicine I find the space between my ears more empty and hollow and not driving and it is hard to recall the proper words when I want to search for them. Lo and High how much has my life turned out differently than I might have imagined it ten or eight years ago. I have felt the touch of Goddesses vaginas slowly rubbing against my own mortal member, yet I have never felt the touch of a girl I knew so well so long ago. I hear she is getting married, and with that I truly have to give up upon ever holding her close again. She has risen to such a seat among the top of the media that I dare not watch one of the most popular shows on television. And I die a bit inside every time I think of her for it comes too easily and more often now that I am sober, the radio still plays tricks on the ears and illicits memories of the girl I supposedly betrayed.I cannot decide if I had ever truly touched her beneath and in-between her netters that I would still be tearing up all these years past sitting on a bed in a sober community wondering if my mind will hold or will I once again forgo my faculties and become lost in a hallucination of Gods and Goddesses in the mortal mind of one who dreams of forgiveness that shall never come, witches and demons, demigods and dimensional portals and Eden and Eve and norse men and Loki's dick which is inflamed by an sexually transmitted disease that is the sole cause of the burning bush in Eve. I am scared because I know these things now to be as real as the thoughts in my mind, but the power of such thoughts has me enthralled in giddy-ness describable and relatable as to those who read and first watch harry potter or star wars come upon the screen. I am scared because I do not know when or if my medium will truly break forever and I shall become an incompetent mush that my family will be forced to take care of or be stuck in a state hospital somewhere. I smoke cigarettes like it is going out of style and shall for the rest of my days because getting old and having to deal with this and natural dementia shall make an asshat out of my senses. I wish to die before the rest of my family so that I might not have to deal with another case of lost sibling or worse yet matriarch. I have been taken care of and I am scared to take care of myself because I have been going in the wrong direction too long and to finally go in the right direction and be living in a sober community for the mentally ill is admitting that I cannot take care. I have not taken care with my life. And I have been lost and have been searching in all the wrong places for the answers to life death, love and infatuation. From these moments forward I wish I could say I wish to be sane and search for another. Perhaps another that matches my kind of crazy and broken boy with her own strength and fortitude that will pull me back together to the resolute charmer and awesomely positive man I know I can be. I am afraid but I will have the courage to look back at the wreckage my life has become and stare it down until I build myself up and back into the man I know I can be. I will be healthy, I will be liked, I will make a positive influence upon the world and leave it better than I left it and I will not leave it until I have made one woman on this earth my own bride and given her many children and helped raised them until I am so old that when I grow senile I will look back upon this night and read what I have typed and exclaim I am afraid no more! and I have not been for some time!